An Angry Man's Woes

Your chest starts to swell. And sometimes your hands and voice shakes. Your eye become intense in their glare and your heart begins to race.

Anger is real and really difficult to deal with.

It makes your thoughts clouded and your judgements fast.

And many time anger can lead to regrets.

I would love to say,"I never get angry".

But I do.

Now, I have found a way to get past my own anger and let the positive feeling back in before it ruins my day.

Positivity promotes healing.

I am

Sometimes life can get very hard.

I am a man that is on TV everyday while living with a disease that is constantly changing the way he looks and those changes continue in dramatic and shocking ways. On top of that I am a realist. I force myself to deal with the realities of any situation. I may loose all of my pigment and turn completely white. It's a real possibillity. And the way things are going probable.

I don't want that to happen. There is a slim possibility that I may repigment. It's not looking good right now, but possible. Or is that small possibility just what I want.

But that doesn't seem to matter.

I try different things and get disallutioned about my efforts. I continue some. I give up on others and all the while the disease keeps coming.

It sucks. It hurts. It's hard to keep trying to solve.

But in the mist of it a couple of things remain constant.

One, I feel like I will have a break through and be on the other side of this one day soon.

Meaning, and let me be clear, I feel like I am going to get my pigment back.

Two, I also have learned to live with this well.

I forget that I look different more than I remember. That's new.

Now, this stuff may seem crazy. But I really believe I will figure it out.

So, being the realist that I am.

And I am.

You know, I'm a "face the facts kinda guy".

I have to ask myself, and perhaps the world through this blog,"AM I CRAZY?"

It really doesn't matter what people say, I have always believed certain things about myself.

I believed I was not only going to get a job in TV but it was going to be in New York City.

I have worked there twice.

I believed I was going get a college degree.

I paid for it myself but done.

I believed that a beautiful women would love me, pigment or not.

And she does.

I also believe that I will get my pigment back.

No cigar..... yet.

I am a rational thinking man. I can face up to things and live with reality. But I also know that you can make your own reality. I know that I cannot give into a life without pigment.

I don't know if I will ever give in and just let it win. I doubt it.

I also know the answer to the question, "am I crazy?".

We all know it's a resounding,"YES!"

And I am okay with that.

I am crazy.

I will never give in.

I am happy.

I am sad at time.

I am

I am

I am

are you?

A Critic's Choice To Never Give In

I was recently at the Critics Choice Movie Awards.

It was one of the most fun experiences that I have had in Los Angeles.

I am very thankful and fortunate. I get to travel to Hollywood and interview stars on a regular basis for my job. It's very cool, but this trip was special.

I am part of the critics association and as a member you get ticket to the awards. I thought my seats would be in the back and I would get to see some of the stars from a distance.

No!!! I couldn't be more wrong.

I was sitting at table 7. It was the Avatar table. Yes, James Cameron and his wife along with the producer and his wife, the head of the studio, a VP from the digital effects company that helped make the movie and me with my sister as my date.

It was great.

Nick Jonas from the Jonas Brothers was the house band. I was four seats off the stage.

Wow!! I was shocked.

Anyway, "IT" didn't come up.

You know... that uneasy feeling that I get when I know people may not shake my hand because it's a different color than my face. Or the pause I take before I gage the reaction of people to my make up as it starts to come off during a long day. I am encouraged because those fleeting moments of sadness are truly just moments and not minutes or hours or days for that matter.

I have come a long way, and this disease has changed.

It has gotten much worse, but I got better.

Much better at handling the inner struggle.

I don't harbor any ones negative projections or sentiments.

I let them go as quickly as they come.

Plus, I have trained my mind and heart to let go and not judge.

It has given me strength. The inner strength to continue living a full and happy life and to continue letting go with out judgement.

As I shook James Cameron's hand congratulating him on his multiple wins,

I felt like, "THE KING OF THE WORLD!!!"

Not because I was next to such a great man and I am not trying to take anything away from his many accomplishments. But I was the conquering king of my inner struggle.

Everyday I wage emotional war with this disease.

And on the night of the Critic's Choice Movie Awards at the Palladium Theater on Sunset in Hollywood I won one battle.

Even if the struggle continues, I know that I am equipped with the mental ammunition to fight and win. Because I know that I will never give in.

Fear

I feel like I am on the verge of change.

And Yet I am afraid.

I am afraid that I will not be successful.

I am afraid I will stay this way until the day that I die and when people look into my picture or coffin they will see this multicolored face that has become the definition of me.

I am afraid that it may get worse and that I will be a white/black man through eternity.

I am afraid that all of my belief and strength could have been for nothing.

I am afraid of the possibility that this is a game that I cannot win.

My fear has multiple side. I also fear success. I may re pigment and then all of the people that have followed me and supported me will disown me. The many supported all over the world that I have come to represent will no longer think I understand them or they may think that I am no longer like them.

I feel a responsibility and love toward them. I'm afraid of losing their support.

It would be tough.

Now, I have journaled and researched and studied.

All of that information has brought me to a regiment of change.

I believe that all I have to do is implement this regiment and watch the changed come.

I know I can do it. I know it will work and the changes will come.

But I have fear and doubt.

It's funny because I thought writing this or saying it out loud would be my demise.

BUT IT IS NOT!!!

Saying out loud inspires me to go on.

So, I say to you... fight through your fear and that alone will give you the strength to go on.

Eyes Wide Open

Inspiration is all around you.

Recently I had to go into talk to my boss about an issue that was troubling. I had gone over the conversation in my mind. I looked at a few of my self help books. I even tried to get some advice from a friend. Nothing or no one seemed to have the right answer about to how I should treat this situation.

I wanted to make sure that I went into the meeting with the right frame of mind. I was little angry and upset about a conflict I had encounter on the job, but I didn't what to let my emotion rule the conversation. That's not a productive way to resolve and issue.

I ultimately just wanted to make things better and I didn't want to cloud the issue with my own selfish emotions. If I were at fault I wanted to acknowledge my part in the situation and improve my actions moving forward. That's a lot of corporate talk just to express that I just wanted to make it right.

But I really didn't know how to approach the conversation with my boss.

So, on the way her office, I saw a random co worker and friend.

So, I said to him,"If you could give me a word of the day that would inspire, what would that be?"

Naturally he said "are you serious?"

I said,"yes".

So, he wrote a word down on a piece of paper ripped it from his pad and handed it to me. I said thanks and walked away still worried about the coming conversation.

Right before I enter the office I opened the yellow scrap of paper.

It was one single word written in pencil,

"HUMBLE".

As soon as I read the message all of the tension was gone. The anger was released and I knew exactly how to approach the situation.

The meeting went well and I walked out feeling better about my work world.

I'm not telling you to go to all of your co workers or friends and ask for a piece of paper to depict your future action.

But I am saying this... inspiration comes in all shapes and sizes.

And it can come from the strangest of places.

So, keep your eyes open and ready to receive.

A Death Before Dying

As I get older many of my friends and family are starting to die. I don't like it and it's hard to take. They are gone and I miss talking to them or walking with them or sitting down around a meal or a living room and sharing life stories with them.

And that made me remember what life is...

It's sharing and engaging, helping and caring. It's about being there and making memories.

I know people that have this disease and because they get mean looks or off color comments they lock themselves in and don't come out of their homes.

These people had active vibrate lives that completely change because of an emotional traumatizing disease.

This is like killing the life you've had for a half life defined by fear and self loathing.

Don't do it.

Find a way to change your self image.

For me.. I believe my face looks like the mask of a super hero.

And it was hard to get back to a normal life but I worked at it.

Now, I am back 100%.

Don't give up the things you love because you got a disease that you cannot control.

The more people see you, the more people get use to seeing you.

Don't kill the life you have before it's time.

Live!!

Weathering The Tough Days

Some days are tougher that others, but you can not only make it through it.

There are ways to turn tough into triumph.

The problem is of the mind.

Stealing a line from Sam Shepard.. It could be "a lie of the mind". Every time something that may seem challenging happens, I automatically think the way I look has something to do with the way I am treated. It can be as simple as a dis concerning look from a pretty girl or a uncomfortable look at my hand before shaking it.

You take all of those little things and they start to add up to a "why me day".

But the truth of matter may be different.

The truth is maybe people actually look at some one's hand before they reach, to know where the hands will meet and the shaking will take place.

And maybe the girl is tired and her look was one of a girl who is looked at by men all day... no matter what the men look like.

The truth is there could be a multitude of reason, but most time we chose the reason that makes us feel bad about ourselves.

Bad Choice!!!

Fight for your positivity.

And even more important... read this carefully.

It doesn't matter what other people think.

And these people or negative vibes may come from people that are close to you. Love them but don't let there words go to a negative place.

The world is all of ours and no matter what you or I look like. We all have the right to be out in public and enjoy all of the gifts this life has to offer.

The truth is don't worry about the looks or the stares.

Don't make up reasons for other peoples actions... especially reason that give you a negative view of self. The more time you allow this to happen, the more ammo you give yourself for self pity, depression and isolation.

There is love.

There is fun.

There is life.

And no matter how rude or abrasive, kind or loving others are it's up to you to interpret it and delete or enjoy the interaction.

Build your solid self image based on all the good things you are rather than gather fuel for self destruction.

This sort of self 'mind manipulation' is just another battle in the internal war.

And you must fight these battles everyday to win your full and happy life.

Live on my people... LIVE ON!!!!!!