Life: The Understanding

When a relationship comes to an end, no matter how, no matter the relationship, if it's someone that you love, you are left with many emotions.

It's weird. It's just like when someone dies, even if you had time to spend with that person or if you tried to ask every question or touch on every subject, and savor every embrace. When they are gone you still want more.

We say "we miss them", but it's more than that.

Part of you seems to have gone, and yes you can try and replace it with something else, but it will never be the same.

IT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME and that is the truth.

There are things you use to do with that person and conversations that only you and that person could have that will never come back.

There are the memories, the cherished memories.  But I think we miss those new moments that will never be. The ones that could have warmed your heart, that bit of advise that always seemed to help you make the right decision came from that person and that person alone.

I didn't cry when my mother died. 

It wasn't until after the funeral.

A month or so after and I was back at work. 

I had just missed a fight at LAX and it was going to be at least a 3 hour layover.

So, I did what I always do.

I got a little something to eat.

And found an electrical outlet near a seat and sat down. I went through my movie selection and found the one to watch. I got out my blue tooth ear piece to make a phone call, sat down a did what I use to do on every layover. 

Started to call my mom to let her know that I was okay and how my latest business trip when.

I even pushed the number and the phone started ringing before I realized what I had done.

I sat there lost for a few minutes. 

If my mom wasn't there to know that I was okay, did anyone care? 

Who would tell me to be careful on the flight? 

Where was she? 

Heaven had to be the place, but I didn't really have the number.  

I started to pray but I really wanted to hear her voice. 

.

.

.

.

I find that even now years later I still cry for my mom.

It's just like the time she left me at Mrs. Hamilton's house for the first time. 

I didn't think she was coming back and I cried hard. 

.

.

The fact that she's not coming back still hurts.

As I try and fail at many different relationships in my life I realize how special that woman was to me. She was part of me and I know that I carry her with me everyday.

My daughter looks more like her than like me. 

I love that.

And as my daughter begins to talk to me more and more I realize that my mother was the personification of love.

And that love lives on in my daughter.

Her eye sparkle with everything my mother ever said to me.

And the wisdom that my mother gave to me, I will pass on to her.

With all of the added experience my mom fought so hard for me to have.

My mom had these kind brown eyes, and some how she could convey so much with just a look.

My daughters eyes are brown.

Life!

I understand.

I look in her brown eyes and I understand

WHERE?

Sometimes your just lost!

Trying to figure out what to do? Where to go? And how to get there?

I struggle with growth and self development.

And at times, I feel stagnant. 

But I know that you have to go through every emotion, try to understand how it got there and how to grow from it. 

The most important thing is to learn to except the truth, no matter how hard or unbelievable it may seem at the time.

Make yourself understand how that emotion or feeling found it's place in your consciousness.

Understand where it came from.

And soon you will know exactly where to go.

Hopefully that realization with take you to a better place... mentally and emotionally.

THAT'S WHERE!

The Time that counts!

The measure of a persons strength can be shown at all times.

Each decision a person makes can tell so much, but the real barometer is taken when times are tense.

Anger is such a easy place to sit back and lash out at what ever the injustice may be. You get caught up in that wave of strength and power that is unleashed by the trigger that set off this storm cloud of emotion.

But the true measure of a man or woman is not the boisterous triad. It's the ability to have the emotion and still have a controlled and salient conversation.

I don't know if I am right, but that feels right.

Because anger never got me anywhere, but measured thought, empathy and respect have.

I am not saying don't have the emotion, but have enough strength to go back and give the positive feedback and love.

And try to do it with the same intensity airing on the side of love that you felt when you displayed anger.

I was talking to a friend and they said to me, how do you remain so positive all the time.

And I said, I don't. I go through the same if not more intense emotions as everyone else.

I just try to finish all of my interactions with others in the spirit of love. The same mood I would like to get back in return.

I don't always get it, but I try.

And in the effort, my dignity and self worth remain intact.