An Angry Man's Woes

Your chest starts to swell. And sometimes your hands and voice shakes. Your eye become intense in their glare and your heart begins to race.

Anger is real and really difficult to deal with.

It makes your thoughts clouded and your judgements fast.

And many time anger can lead to regrets.

I would love to say,"I never get angry".

But I do.

Now, I have found a way to get past my own anger and let the positive feeling back in before it ruins my day.

Positivity promotes healing.

I am

Sometimes life can get very hard.

I am a man that is on TV everyday while living with a disease that is constantly changing the way he looks and those changes continue in dramatic and shocking ways. On top of that I am a realist. I force myself to deal with the realities of any situation. I may loose all of my pigment and turn completely white. It's a real possibillity. And the way things are going probable.

I don't want that to happen. There is a slim possibility that I may repigment. It's not looking good right now, but possible. Or is that small possibility just what I want.

But that doesn't seem to matter.

I try different things and get disallutioned about my efforts. I continue some. I give up on others and all the while the disease keeps coming.

It sucks. It hurts. It's hard to keep trying to solve.

But in the mist of it a couple of things remain constant.

One, I feel like I will have a break through and be on the other side of this one day soon.

Meaning, and let me be clear, I feel like I am going to get my pigment back.

Two, I also have learned to live with this well.

I forget that I look different more than I remember. That's new.

Now, this stuff may seem crazy. But I really believe I will figure it out.

So, being the realist that I am.

And I am.

You know, I'm a "face the facts kinda guy".

I have to ask myself, and perhaps the world through this blog,"AM I CRAZY?"

It really doesn't matter what people say, I have always believed certain things about myself.

I believed I was not only going to get a job in TV but it was going to be in New York City.

I have worked there twice.

I believed I was going get a college degree.

I paid for it myself but done.

I believed that a beautiful women would love me, pigment or not.

And she does.

I also believe that I will get my pigment back.

No cigar..... yet.

I am a rational thinking man. I can face up to things and live with reality. But I also know that you can make your own reality. I know that I cannot give into a life without pigment.

I don't know if I will ever give in and just let it win. I doubt it.

I also know the answer to the question, "am I crazy?".

We all know it's a resounding,"YES!"

And I am okay with that.

I am crazy.

I will never give in.

I am happy.

I am sad at time.

I am

I am

I am

are you?

A Critic's Choice To Never Give In

I was recently at the Critics Choice Movie Awards.

It was one of the most fun experiences that I have had in Los Angeles.

I am very thankful and fortunate. I get to travel to Hollywood and interview stars on a regular basis for my job. It's very cool, but this trip was special.

I am part of the critics association and as a member you get ticket to the awards. I thought my seats would be in the back and I would get to see some of the stars from a distance.

No!!! I couldn't be more wrong.

I was sitting at table 7. It was the Avatar table. Yes, James Cameron and his wife along with the producer and his wife, the head of the studio, a VP from the digital effects company that helped make the movie and me with my sister as my date.

It was great.

Nick Jonas from the Jonas Brothers was the house band. I was four seats off the stage.

Wow!! I was shocked.

Anyway, "IT" didn't come up.

You know... that uneasy feeling that I get when I know people may not shake my hand because it's a different color than my face. Or the pause I take before I gage the reaction of people to my make up as it starts to come off during a long day. I am encouraged because those fleeting moments of sadness are truly just moments and not minutes or hours or days for that matter.

I have come a long way, and this disease has changed.

It has gotten much worse, but I got better.

Much better at handling the inner struggle.

I don't harbor any ones negative projections or sentiments.

I let them go as quickly as they come.

Plus, I have trained my mind and heart to let go and not judge.

It has given me strength. The inner strength to continue living a full and happy life and to continue letting go with out judgement.

As I shook James Cameron's hand congratulating him on his multiple wins,

I felt like, "THE KING OF THE WORLD!!!"

Not because I was next to such a great man and I am not trying to take anything away from his many accomplishments. But I was the conquering king of my inner struggle.

Everyday I wage emotional war with this disease.

And on the night of the Critic's Choice Movie Awards at the Palladium Theater on Sunset in Hollywood I won one battle.

Even if the struggle continues, I know that I am equipped with the mental ammunition to fight and win. Because I know that I will never give in.

Fear

I feel like I am on the verge of change.

And Yet I am afraid.

I am afraid that I will not be successful.

I am afraid I will stay this way until the day that I die and when people look into my picture or coffin they will see this multicolored face that has become the definition of me.

I am afraid that it may get worse and that I will be a white/black man through eternity.

I am afraid that all of my belief and strength could have been for nothing.

I am afraid of the possibility that this is a game that I cannot win.

My fear has multiple side. I also fear success. I may re pigment and then all of the people that have followed me and supported me will disown me. The many supported all over the world that I have come to represent will no longer think I understand them or they may think that I am no longer like them.

I feel a responsibility and love toward them. I'm afraid of losing their support.

It would be tough.

Now, I have journaled and researched and studied.

All of that information has brought me to a regiment of change.

I believe that all I have to do is implement this regiment and watch the changed come.

I know I can do it. I know it will work and the changes will come.

But I have fear and doubt.

It's funny because I thought writing this or saying it out loud would be my demise.

BUT IT IS NOT!!!

Saying out loud inspires me to go on.

So, I say to you... fight through your fear and that alone will give you the strength to go on.

Eyes Wide Open

Inspiration is all around you.

Recently I had to go into talk to my boss about an issue that was troubling. I had gone over the conversation in my mind. I looked at a few of my self help books. I even tried to get some advice from a friend. Nothing or no one seemed to have the right answer about to how I should treat this situation.

I wanted to make sure that I went into the meeting with the right frame of mind. I was little angry and upset about a conflict I had encounter on the job, but I didn't what to let my emotion rule the conversation. That's not a productive way to resolve and issue.

I ultimately just wanted to make things better and I didn't want to cloud the issue with my own selfish emotions. If I were at fault I wanted to acknowledge my part in the situation and improve my actions moving forward. That's a lot of corporate talk just to express that I just wanted to make it right.

But I really didn't know how to approach the conversation with my boss.

So, on the way her office, I saw a random co worker and friend.

So, I said to him,"If you could give me a word of the day that would inspire, what would that be?"

Naturally he said "are you serious?"

I said,"yes".

So, he wrote a word down on a piece of paper ripped it from his pad and handed it to me. I said thanks and walked away still worried about the coming conversation.

Right before I enter the office I opened the yellow scrap of paper.

It was one single word written in pencil,

"HUMBLE".

As soon as I read the message all of the tension was gone. The anger was released and I knew exactly how to approach the situation.

The meeting went well and I walked out feeling better about my work world.

I'm not telling you to go to all of your co workers or friends and ask for a piece of paper to depict your future action.

But I am saying this... inspiration comes in all shapes and sizes.

And it can come from the strangest of places.

So, keep your eyes open and ready to receive.

A Death Before Dying

As I get older many of my friends and family are starting to die. I don't like it and it's hard to take. They are gone and I miss talking to them or walking with them or sitting down around a meal or a living room and sharing life stories with them.

And that made me remember what life is...

It's sharing and engaging, helping and caring. It's about being there and making memories.

I know people that have this disease and because they get mean looks or off color comments they lock themselves in and don't come out of their homes.

These people had active vibrate lives that completely change because of an emotional traumatizing disease.

This is like killing the life you've had for a half life defined by fear and self loathing.

Don't do it.

Find a way to change your self image.

For me.. I believe my face looks like the mask of a super hero.

And it was hard to get back to a normal life but I worked at it.

Now, I am back 100%.

Don't give up the things you love because you got a disease that you cannot control.

The more people see you, the more people get use to seeing you.

Don't kill the life you have before it's time.

Live!!

Weathering The Tough Days

Some days are tougher that others, but you can not only make it through it.

There are ways to turn tough into triumph.

The problem is of the mind.

Stealing a line from Sam Shepard.. It could be "a lie of the mind". Every time something that may seem challenging happens, I automatically think the way I look has something to do with the way I am treated. It can be as simple as a dis concerning look from a pretty girl or a uncomfortable look at my hand before shaking it.

You take all of those little things and they start to add up to a "why me day".

But the truth of matter may be different.

The truth is maybe people actually look at some one's hand before they reach, to know where the hands will meet and the shaking will take place.

And maybe the girl is tired and her look was one of a girl who is looked at by men all day... no matter what the men look like.

The truth is there could be a multitude of reason, but most time we chose the reason that makes us feel bad about ourselves.

Bad Choice!!!

Fight for your positivity.

And even more important... read this carefully.

It doesn't matter what other people think.

And these people or negative vibes may come from people that are close to you. Love them but don't let there words go to a negative place.

The world is all of ours and no matter what you or I look like. We all have the right to be out in public and enjoy all of the gifts this life has to offer.

The truth is don't worry about the looks or the stares.

Don't make up reasons for other peoples actions... especially reason that give you a negative view of self. The more time you allow this to happen, the more ammo you give yourself for self pity, depression and isolation.

There is love.

There is fun.

There is life.

And no matter how rude or abrasive, kind or loving others are it's up to you to interpret it and delete or enjoy the interaction.

Build your solid self image based on all the good things you are rather than gather fuel for self destruction.

This sort of self 'mind manipulation' is just another battle in the internal war.

And you must fight these battles everyday to win your full and happy life.

Live on my people... LIVE ON!!!!!!

The Fell Clutch Of Circumstance

Life is fun.

It's challenging.

It's everything you need it to be to become the best person you can be. I firmly believe that situations present themselves, and you place a label or definition to that occurrence. You just fall into a set of circumstances and the measure of a man or woman is defined by how you define and react to those situations.

"Today at work my co worker was way out of line" already a tone has been placed what happened. There is a negative cloud over some ones actions. In order to understand and grow I am constantly challenging myself to look within. I start with my reaction or the emotion that I felt in the situation before I label any ones actions... even my own.

When you search, why that phrase, tone or situation elicited that reaction from me, you focus on yourself first. It gives you a better understanding and an opportunity to grow. Before you address the other persons action or the other person.

I borrowed a line from William Ernest Henley poem "Invictus" when I labeled this post. And I understand how you can find yourself falling into a set of circumstances. It's a place you fall into and are forced to deal with. You may feel like you did nothing to do create the situation but every communication has two parts. Some times there are passive parts but there is alway a lesson and culpability. Anyway when it becomes challenging or hard to maintain your composure or emotions. You may find yourself struggling to simply keep you head high and your spirits up.

I challenge you to look at this as an opportunity to grow.

Nothing is bigger than life, family and health. Anything else you label as a problem is just something that happened. Don't let it define you.

Having a disease is a tough situation.

I look at it as an opportunity to learn about health... my health. And then take that knowledge and get my body as healthy as I possibly can... with the help of a doctor of course.

I eat a better diet!

I found a physical activity I love!!

I changed my attitude toward others!!

And more important I changed my attitude toward myself!!!

Like W.E. Henley's poem says.

"I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul"

So, make it happen... captain!!!!

Fight For It

In life there are a few things that are easy to fight for. And I don't mean physically fight but if it came to that most men would not hesitate for to start punching for the lives of there family or children. But there is something that effects both of those aspects of your life and much more that most people don't even begin to fight for.

And that is a positive attitude!!!

When we were kids most of us were happy-go-lucky, ready to sing or dance or even smile at the simple things in life. Now, finding you happiness may be a little harder with all of the struggles of modern life but it is more important than ever to not give in to a negative emotion.

They build on each other and a bad moment can become a bad afternoon.

The afternoon of negativity can turn into a bad day.

The day can become a bad situation... bad job... and eventually bad life.

Stop it at the bad moment and don't let it build.

Fight to find the positivity in every moment.

It's there you just have to find it.

Pull the positivity out of the moment.

"I may have stubbed my toe, but at least it's not broken".

"I may have recked the car but at least no one is hurt".

Bottom line life is the gift. You have the opportunity to change your whole situation at any moment.

Don't revel in non satisfaction.

Don't feel comfortable in disarray.

As long as you have breath you can change the situation.

Sometimes finding good may be hard but fight for it and find it.

A Simple Choice

Life is full of surprises. A disease can be one of them. I call the one that changed my journey, the gift of disease. Now, I want to be clear. I don't want to offend or belittle anyone who suffer from a debilitating disease. I understand and lend support to your struggle. But changes in your body that force you to slow down and respect each moment of life can be looked upon as a good thing.

That's what I chose to do.

And even bigger than that... the true gift of life is the opportunity to change. I don't just mean your underwear or your mind but a true life change. Do thing differently. If you do the same things in life you will get the same results. If you want a different outcome then do different things.

And the more serious the disease, the bigger the change.

How big?

Diet!

Lifestyle!

Diet!

Mental attitude!

Physical activity!

And Diet!

I'm not telling you to change you job, for some that is not possible.

But I am telling you to change you attitude or view of that job. Instead of a looking at your job as a rut or grueling routine, look at it as an opportunity to squeeze fun and enjoyment out of a task you actually get paid to do.

I'm not telling you to change the people in your life.

But I am saying find that physical activity that you love to do, it can be simple as walking or as big as joining a hockey or volleyball league. Then shut off the TV and do it for at least one hour a day. You can actually take a friend or a loved one with you and that can be your time.

And finally, I am telling you change your diet.

There are plenty of diets out there just address a multitude of diseases.

They work.

Don't stop seeing your doctor, but do drastically change your diet. You have been eating one way for a life time and look where it has gotten you.

Try for at least 90 days to drastically change your diet.

Physical changes will follow and that will be your fuel to continue.

If there is one thing that became clear to me when I was diagnosed with crohn's disease. It wasn't there are so many things I still want to do. It was that wanted to live to see my children grow. I wanted to love them and watch the love grow.

I didn't even have kids at that point. I was in my late 30s and live a life that was singularly focus on career success. And I never thought life would end before I had kids and a family. But the disease seem to put an end to my life or at least my quality of life that I couldn't deal with.

So, I said I would do anything to change that end if it give me one more day with my kid.

I drastically changed. Diet, attitude everything. It took time.

Now, years later I am here and I live a normal healthy life with a very healthy diet.

My daughter is 18 months old and I am thankful for every moment I have with her.

Moments a disease tried to take from me.

It's a simple choice.

Change and watch your daughter grow!!!

A simple choice that I'm glad I made.

Solitude becomes me

There is strength is silence.

There is power in calm.

There are places that need to be found.

And these places are within. The chatter of the mind can cloud your journey.

And therefore solitude is where you chart the path.... make the plan.... find the strength.

Win the war before it is even fought.

There is strength in silence.

Solitude becomes me.

Here's how this works

A long time ago in a land that seems very far away... that always sounds good but here the real poop. I use to live in NYC. I was under a lot of stress, I am making long stories short on this blog because I don't want to get bogged down.

Anyway, when I lived there I had chronic fatigue and a nagging back pain that could become piercing. I knew that was my body saying something was wrong. So, I listened. I started changing my life, but the back pain never went away. I went to several doctors and chiropractors only to finally end up at an internal medicine specialist. After requesting a colon exam, I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease. I saw the video of my colon. Wow!

The diagnosis was the answer I needed. There is always an answer in books. It took me a while but I found and followed the right one. It was a book from a man that had the disease and conquer it. It was called,"Patience Heal Thyself". Which eventually became,"The Makers Diet". It took about four years but I am free of Crohn's.

Now, the entire time I have had another disease called vitiligo, but while the Crohn's was going this one was gotten worse. But I never stopped looking for the book or remedy that would fix it. And I have come across a few, but not a book. So, I began to gather my research. Hopefully this can become the guide for people with vitiligo.

I am going to detail all of the things that I am doing to cure myself, much like what I did with the Maker's Diet. I will use supplements and non traditional treatment to achieve my goals. I am very hopeful and positive that something will happen. I believe I will reach my goal of a cure. But I will blog no matter what.

I will tell you the things that I did to change my life.

First I did my best to eliminate stress.

Second I drastically changed my diet.

Then I researched with the help of health professionals the problems that could be causing this disease. And the foods, supplements and vitamins that have been proven to help.

I narrowed all of these things down to a specific diet/supplement regiment that I am trying now.

I will detail this process more through out the year.

The Beginning of Change

It is the first day of the year 2010.

And I have designated this my year of change. I just started this blog. And I will continue to use it as my journal. The moleskin journal that kept my thoughts and notes got stolen with a lot of my belongings. So, now I will blog here and still keep and hard copy of my thoughts just in case. It was violating getting my personal things taken away. I thought it was the world working against me. But I know now that the only thing that can stop me is me. And I will not stop. My name is Lee Willie Thomas Jr. I am the four son and the sixth child of Lee Willie Thomas and Ethel Lois Britt. I am some what of a media darling for about 12 1/2 minutes of fame, but they were fleeting and unsatisfying and only captured the shocking part of my journey. When I feel like the journey is just begun. If you want to know that side of the story just google turningwhite. But here is where the real work begins. I had a disease that doctors say is not curable. It was Crohns. And now a doctor told me that it is gone. And all I did was drastically change my diet and my life. And I didn't use traditional meds. It took 9 years but the disease that could have killed me is gone. Now, I have a shocking and emotionally destructive disease, vitiligo. It's still a tough thing to deal with but I am strong. And even more than that I am determined to win. I have done years of research and change and it has lead me here. The disease is the worst it has ever been. And I feel that I am closer that ever to beating it. I just need the strength to finish the job. And also to document my journey for others to follow. So, this is where the documentation begins.

I will blog. And I will fight. And at the end of this year we will take an assessment of the battle.

WillieTransform or Will he transform

Let the fun begin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!